Monthly Archives: April 2012

‘Dates’

Last night I caught up with an old friend and a conversation we were having made me wonder whether there’s something wrong with me or everyone else. I’ve known this guy for some 13 years now, we’ve been good friends since primary school and all through out high school. Some 3-4 years ago I tell him about my sexuality simply because I wanted to be honest with him and a year later he ends up coming ‘out’ to me, which surprised me since I never expected him to be gay. Anyhow shortly after that I realise that we were sorting of growing a part and I knew that the reason was because of our differing views on certain matters (which became obvious as we were growing up), plus he was becoming more involved in the whole “gay scene” and it just wasn’t my thing. He was still the same person that I knew, just that after he came out to me, he ended up engaging in a lot of gay-related activities that I considered to be immoral and immature, the type of things that I looked down on that the “gay community” encouraged.

Anyway the whole point of this post was that last night, we were talking about some guy that I met online and I was telling my friend how I didn’t see myself getting along with this guy. My friend then started asking me questions such as “What would you do if you were out on a date with him and he tried to kiss you? Hold your hand? etc” and my line of responses were “I’d decline his advancements and tell him that I have no intention of engaging in such physical contact.” My friend expected the responses yet was still a bit surprised because he doesn’t understand why I think the way I do about these things. After that he said to me “But you can’t do that, if it’s your first date with him, you can’t just push him away, nobody who’s gay thinks like that” and it got me thinking: that’s right, nobody does think like that, at least generally speaking.

I’ve never liked the word ‘date’, or what it usually meant by the term “going on a date” since it’s also assumed that you’ll end up engaging in some sort of sexual contact with the other preson, even if it’s your first ‘date’. It’s assumed that you’re trying to begin some sort of relationship but without any friendship groundwork in place. And I’ve always questioned this, I’ve always wondered why people go on a few ‘dates’ then decide that they’re in a relationship. Why not start things off as friends? Why is it that if you meet up with some guy, it automatically means that you’re on a ‘date’ with them? Why can’t it mean that you’re really just hanging out as friends? I could never imagine myself meeting someone for the first or second time, as a ‘date’, and allowing what would be a near stranger, to engage in some form of physical contact with me.

After my friend said “nobody who’s gay thinks like that”, I had a very brief thought where I doubted my views/morals, and I wondered whether I might be approaching it all in the wrong way? But I quickly ‘slapped’ myself back into reality and reminded myself that that simply isn’t true, that just because the majority see it that way, then there must be something wrong with me because I don’t. The fact that the majority of gay men do think like that is a sad indication of the times that we live in, of the lack of a proper culture, morals and values. It’s become accepted and seen as some ‘universal truth’ that it’s ok to expose your body, your soul, to a complete stranger, to someone whom you don’t even know nothing about, and even if you did, it’s always some superficial view of them.

This goes back to my post on Loneliness and last night was another reminder of how different, and therefore lonely I really am. I’m glad that I hold such views, that I do have a moral code, a value system, a life philosophy to go by. And I know that there isn’t anything ‘wrong’ with me, because I have plenty of examples around me, of what it means to lead such a life of spontaneity, of basing a relationship on two or three ‘dates’, or even a random encounter, of doing what everyone else does, thinking like them, and the end result is never in their favour.


Left-wing education

I’m writing this post in response to a youtube video I saw yesterday:

I could go into a lengthy rant about the content of the entire video (which left me rather angry), but I won’t. The video is 13 minutes long and if you end up watching it I should warn you that it might leave you feeling well and truly disgusted (depending on your political leanings; for instance if you’re all for political correctness and the likes, you’ll get off on it).

The video talks about how the ‘Frankfurt School‘ came about to ‘divorce’ Marxism with economics and ‘marry’ it with the culture. The concept of ‘critical theory’ thus comes about, which introduces the likes of feminist studies, gender studies, African-American studies, and so on. The speaker in the video mentions how such a concept leads to the deconstruction of classical literature to point out the plight of women. I was immediately reminded of my senior high school years in English and Drama.

At the time (during high school), I didn’t think much of it, nor did I think to question the content that was being taught to us. I accepted it, I thought that my teachers were intelligent, knew what they were on about, I liked how they were teaching us to challenge the media yet what I didn’t realise was that I should have been challenging them. This post really goes back to an entry I had made in my journal/diary-thing last year, where I had this epiphany moment whilst reading the Virtue of Selfishness (by Ayn Rand). I realised that what I was being taught in high school was classic left-wing dogma, from philosophy to politics to everything. Above all, it was all about undermining Western culture.

Every single piece of literature that we read in English and Drama was accompanied by the same question: “How can this be interpreted from a feminist perspective? How were the women positioned in this time?” Or in Drama, we also had: “How can this be viewed from a Marxist approach?” At the end of the book or term, there’d be the usual discussion (along with an essay) of how badly women have been mistreated in the Western world (I’m not denying this, and their plight isn’t the theme of this post), how there has always existed a “class structure” of sorts, how there has come about so many awful things as a result of Western culture. That’s right, the West is fully to blame for *everything* that has gone wrong; lets disregard the fact that other regions in the world oppressed certain groups of people and continue to do so today.

What I hate most about this type of education is that from one side, we were being taught to challenge the media and not be swayed by it, yet from this other side we were being taught to accept certain things as fact; that Western culture is detrimental. All these teachers (most who were females in the English department) were so eager to teach us about the oppression of certain groups throughout the ages, about the various class struggles and how we could apply all of that to any form of literature, yet avoiding an important question: “what positive influence will this have on a young mind?” And then they all wonder why suicide is so common amongst teenagers? Why so many teenagers turn to drugs, alcohol and anything else that will let them escape this reality. Did it ever occur to them that it might have been better to teach us things that we could actually use in our damn lives? How to make the most of your life? How to judge people not by their appearance, but their character? What I’m getting at is that we were never taught, never given a reason for wanting the best out of our lives and that’s why so many young people don’t want the best out of their lives. Instead, their goal was to supplant these notions of “bad Western culture” and how the world is becoming “Americanised”, because you know, we’re all gonna get very far when we hold those two as absolute truths.

It’s funny though, they were all about teaching us how to think for ourselves, how to be critical of everything, but that’s just it, these education systems don’t want you to be thinking for yourself, they don’t want genuine, independent thinking. The only type of thinking they want is one that falls in line with their mode of philosophy, with their theme of left-wing dogma, and incorporating “cultural marxism” into it all does that perfectly. The result is obvious around us: there’s this type of mind-set in the Western world, that if you’re white, you’re expected to feel a sense of guilt because of what happened in the past, and the same applies if you’re a male. You can see it just about everywhere, how certain groups of people have a sense of entitlement because it just so happens that they were born as a gender/race/whatever that was mistreated in the past. It’s even been put into legislation in Australia, where if you’re of Aboriginal descent, you get preference for university admissions, government jobs and even in the private sector. I think the term for such a policy is “affirmative action” and as far as I know it’s pretty common in countries such as the US, Australia and other similar states.

What’s funny is that everyone makes fun of communist states because of the propaganda that the government feeds to the masses, yet what is it that we’re being fed in the West? It’s just done on a more subtle level and you don’t even notice it. That’s the scary part; how easy it is to allow such ideas to creep into your mind and once they take hold, they slowly eat away at your soul. That’s what the Left stands for at it’s core, whether or not it’s loudest proponents realise it, that’s what it comes down to. You’re fooled to believe that you really do have the power to challenge notions, the media, to be an individual, but really what they’re doing is conditioning you to comply with an unseen authority or force – the whole left wing philosophy that no matter what, the government knows what’s best and above all society knows what’s best, and since society is made up of a mass of left wing people, what you end up supporting is obvious. I’m glad I’ve come to realise all of this. That video was just a painful reminder of what a waste high school was.


Just figured out why I dislike certain people

The other day I came across a youtube video (that I can’t find anymore, yet the speaker was the creator of this blog) where the speaker was discussing how there exist three types of men today and one of them was the “man-boy.” The main point that was being advocated for is the lack of ‘manliness’ that exists in todays culture.

The “man-boy” is someone who is somewhere in the range of 20-35 years old and simply refuses to ‘grow up.’ This means that they still act like a ‘kid’ in certain ways. This article (which talks about the issue) gives a good description:

Today, most men in their 20s hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence…

These type of people live in the past with the mindset of a teenager and the mentality is encouraged if they rely on their parents (or the government, ie welfare) for financial support. They still play video/computer games, (not that there’s anything inherently ‘bad’ about this, just that in this instance it encourages the lifestyle), there’s little sense of professionalism in their demeanor, no future goals (or if they exist, they’re always vague), it’s always about “what’s happening on the weekend” and the crowning characteristic on top of it all would have to be their passiveness (or apathy).

I’ve wondered for some time now why a small part of me harbours a feeling of aversion towards just about everyone I know. And I had my “epiphany” just now as I was thinking about the youtube video. I don’t have many friends, but the few that I do have all display this “man-boy” mentality; some more so than others. Now I’m wondering whether they can be entirely blamed, when it’s the culture of the Western world that is to be held accountable. At the end of the day though, each of us make our own decisions and it’s really us who are responsible for those decisions, for how we end up in life and it’s also up to us to be able to identify a self-defeating philosophy/culture just as I have.

I’m questioning whether part of this is just me “growing up” or whether I’ve bought into the mentality myself, since a part of me still identifies with my current friends. But that brings up another question: have I allowed myself to be shaped by this “man-boy” mentality, owing to its influence around me? To be honest with myself, yes it has. I wrote an earlier post about how the vision I had as a child, as to how I would be as an adult, doesn’t match with who I am today and I’m fully responsible for that. I’d say that a part of myself has blended in with the mentality of my friends and that realisation worries me because now I see how easy it is to lose your sense of ‘self’, your individuality, when you allow yourself to subconsciously conform to the environment/influences around you. And this doesn’t just depend on your friends, but the media and the overall culture.

I’m not sure what else to include, but I hope that I didn’t make this out to be some sort of depressing post where I’m saying “oh boo-hoo”, rather it’s just me identifying certain aspects of my current friendships that I dislike and why I’ve tried to distance myself from them this past year: ultimately we’re incompatible and where I see myself going isn’t where I see them going. I know that I’ve let myself “go” in certain ways over the years, but the good thing is that I’m able to identify where I’ve gone wrong and what needs to be done so I can move on.


Loneliness

OK back to this. I’ll concentrate more to keep this blog thing going, regardless of my non-existent audience, at the very least I have an outlet.

But what really spurred me to type up a new entry was an interesting online encounter I had that eventually got me thinking about the whole idea of loneliness. Recently I came across an interesting blog called GayPatriot and I found myself reading it every day. I felt a sense of relief as I thought to myself “finally, there are other gay men out there who think like me”. Really though, it was as if I came across a fountain in a desert. Basically though, it’s a gay conservative blog and whilst I’m not that politically active or involved (I mean, I don’t follow up on current political events, just bits and pieces), I found myself nodding in approval with a lot of what was being written. Now I’m not that politically versed, but I do know enough to make my point and understand what’s going on. Whilst my primary concern/interest is to do with establishing a moral code and a value system, for a while now I’ve been doing a little bit extra on the side in terms of political matters. For instance, saying to myself “OK, I can’t possibly be the only one in the whole world; it’s time to do a google search using what I know” and that’s how I came across GayPatriot (and other conservative-type blogs).

Shortly after discovering the blog I decided to send an email to the two emails listed on the site. I got a reply back from one of the authors (or bloggers, whatever) who happens to be the guy that writes up a lot of the posts. He added me on Facebook and we had an interesting conversation. We got on the topic of ‘loneliness’ because in the email I had sent, I mentioned how I felt lonely sometimes due to my views. He then wrote up a quick (and rather good) post on the topic of loneliness within the gay community: http://www.gaypatriot.net/2012/04/09/on-the-unrecognized-loneliness-in-the-gay-male-community/ and that’s why I’m typing up a post on the topic here because it’s one I’ve been thinking about for years yet never been able to ‘put my finger on it’.

The basic idea is that there exists a minority of gay individuals who identify with conservative/right-wing politics, who cannot relate at all to the mainstream ‘gay culture’ that is centred around left-wing politics, promiscuity, rejection of monogamy, and other things that stereotype gay men. Those of us who find that we simply don’t fit within the mainstream gay culture end up feeling lonely because it is so difficult to find like-minded men out there, especially in your own generation, who share your views and won’t scoff at you because you say that you have a moral code. As a result, over the years I have become disillusioned with the so called ‘gay community’, mainly at their left-leaning stance and ‘progressive’ views.

As far back as I can remember, my path of ‘self-discovery’ or ‘self-creation’ has mostly been about seeking out other like-minded people. As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, throughout my teenager years, all I ever wanted was a friend whom I could relate to and talk with just about anything. It’s interesting for me to observe how my “other like-minded people” view has evolved since then. In my teenager years it was all about having a friend who was also gay, whom I could just talk to and not have any sort of sexual contact with (which is what a lot were after). During my late teenage years, and early 20s, I had matured and formed a more tangible set of views (which would late form into a moral code and set of values); yet during this time I was still seeking out other gay men who shared my views, but more stringently, who would rather have an insightful conversation as opposed to “hooking up”. Now that I’m in my mid-20s, I’m still seeking out that friend (or partner), but this time it’s about sharing the same views in terms of politics (and life in general, as well as the moral code thing). Now I think to myself “how much I’d like to have a friend that shared my morals, values, and political views” because I can easily befriend someone who doesn’t (owing to the prevalence of left-wing politics/philosophy in the gay community). An interesting observation is that I’ve gone from one form of loneliness to another. From being a teenager seeking out a simple friend with whom I could discuss my sexuality with, to being an adult in his mid-20s seeking out a mature friend with whom I can discuss just about anything with.

This absence of intellectual interactions within my own generation has me feeling this sense of loneliness at times. And every now and then when I meet up with the few friends that I have, I’ll find myself zoning out and observing how I’ve outgrown a lot of the things they talk about, laugh about, and such. I’ve tried ‘being like them’ and I just can’t do it. It’s not who I am and I need to remind myself to hold onto my individuality because that’s more precious than the flimsy friendships I have going.

At the end of the day, the main theme to all of this is “loneliness”. Loneliness because I still haven’t found such a friend, because every now and then I find myself allowing a trickle of thought to come through that says “I wish I wasn’t gay” because I surely wouldn’t have these issues, right? I know it might sound really negative, but I don’t mean this all in a depressing kind of way, rather more of a type of longing for a companion, for, as Daniel at GayPatriot puts it, “for friends who see us we are and in whose presence we feel part of the universe”.

I was talking with Daniel about all this, about how it’s so easy to betray yourself and conform socially, to do what everyone else is doing, because you know that if you were to continue to be yourself, that you would become lonely. This past year I’ve exposed myself more to politics, to reading blogs, etc, and I’ve found that a lot of gay men who are from the Left, are very hostile to anyone who isn’t, especially if you’re gay. But coming across GayPatriot and other sites gives me more of a positive outlook, that even though I may be alone within my own sphere of life, I’m not alone in the world.