Monthly Archives: January 2012

Why is it so hard to meet like-minded people?

I just don’t identify with a lot of the stuff young people (my age) do for ‘fun’ these days, or the way they think and such.  I don’t know a single person in my life whom I can honestly relate to, whom I can have meaningful conversations with, whether intellectual topics or just life in general. The few people I consider my friends, well I’ve realised that the only reason why I hang out with them is because of our similar sense of humour that’s all we have going, and it’s something that I’m beginning to outgrow too. They have no future prospects, no goals for the future, just hyped up plans that are never realised. I’ve found myself feeling very ‘angry’ or ‘annoyed’ when I hang out with them sometimes, simply because I just don’t find the topic(s) of conversation to be even remotely interesting, actually on the contrary, I’ve found a lot of them to be pointless and immature.

Their idea of ‘fun’ is to get drunk, act like a child, and waddle around night clubs or pubs. One of them inserts subtle comments about my physical appearance every now and then, and I’m left thinking “Why did you just say that to me?”, why be so damn immature? Then there’s another one who makes it a point to say something snide to you, just to get at you, and I’ve called him up on it yet he always brushes it off as a ‘joke’. So does everyone else. Why don’t people have the face to say what’s on their mind? To be honest? Why resort to these high schoolish tactics? Why be such a bitch? I’m a decent guy, I never go out of my way to hurt someone, if you’re a decent friend to me, you’ll have a friend for life. Yet there’s not a single person I know that I see as a true friend and it’s somewhat sad. As much as I like to say that I don’t need other people, at the end of the day, it would be nice to know another person whom you can have proper conversations with, that don’t involve gossiping about other people, pokemon, or other meaningless crap. Someone who’ll accept you for who you are, and won’t try to seek out any physical or personal flaws. Someone whom you can go to a decent pub with, not get drunk, but instead enjoy each others company.

Sometimes I just don’t know what to do. Should I end these friendships? They’re only there for convenience, to feel better about themselves. I’ve been trying to make a major step forward in my life, and it feels like I’m about to lift my foot, but I can’t because I have all this ‘stuff’ holding me back and I’m hesitant to take that step. Not just these friends, but other stuff too that I need to sort out. I told myself that I’m gonna try to make new friends this year, try to meet like-minded people and see how that goes.

Even the ones I use to have meaningful conversations with have betrayed themselves and now make it a point to insert snide comments into our conversations. All I’m left with is a big “why?” I keep on wondering this; what is it that makes people change in such a way? I understand certain things in life can change you, but in the absence of such circumstances, what else is there? Why choose the ‘easy way out’? Why not value the friendship?

One thing I’ve told myself that I’m gonna do this year is call people out more on the crap they say. At least this way I can challenge some of the stuff they say and at least give them a reason as to why we shouldn’t associate anymore. Since I know that if I tried to explain to them how I really felt, they’d take it the wrong way, and certain aspects of my life are too entwined with them, so I don’t want any sort of blackmail or ‘reprisals’.

*sigh* I don’t know what else to say or think anymore, it’s late and I’m tired…I just wish I had someone whom I didn’t have to worry about turning into another perosn, or inserting a snide comment here and there or anything else that would make me lose my ‘hope in humanity’.


People changing

I know that people change over time; they change certain aspects of their personality for the better, they become more confident, outgoing, stuff like that you know? Improvements to your life, that’s it. And that’s all good, it’s great when a person improves their life. What I’m getting at are the people who change in a negative way, they change in such a way that it really sickens me and leaves me with such a disappointed feeling.

For instance: I had a friend whom I met when I was in my final year at high school (so I was 17 years old), through some dating-type website that was popular at the time for teenagers. We got along pretty well, we shared a lot of views in regards to the whole “gay scene” thing, we had the same morals and basically got along as well as friends could. I was happy that I’d met someone like him, since throughout my teenage years, I longed to have a friend whom I could relate to, confide in and ultimately one who was also shared the same attraction to males. As I got to know the guy a bit better, I realised “great, this is the type of guy I was looking for all those years” and I was happy. Around a year later I ended up getting to know his other friend (who was also gay) and the three of us got along great, so I was even happier since that was all I wanted whilst growing up as a teenager. Before I met them, I was very closed in and conservative about my sexuality, I didn’t like it yet once I started to hang out with those two guys, I became more comfortable with it and eventually it wasn’t an issue anymore.

The years go by, I become even more comfortable with my sexuality as I continue to hang out with them, I feel more comfortable talking about gay-related topics, I couldn’t wait to see them the next time we planned to do something; so it’s good times ahead. I won’t delve into the details, but the two of them have some ‘falling out’ and they stop talking to each other for some time. I was a bit disappointed since it was over a petty issue (and looking back, it was really the fault of the first guy), but I continue to hang out with them separately. Eventually they become friends again only to have another ‘falling out’ soon after that, and the cycle continued for a few more times; I’ve forgotten count.

Anyway I continue to become closer friends with the first guy (and I continued to hang out with the second guy and a female friend of his), we talk about personal stuff, stuff I’d never thought I’d share with anyone else so we continued to get along. Later on he got into a short relationship at but it ended badly, and I was there to hear him out, be supportive and the likes. Some time goes by and he meets this guy online who ended up being an intelligent fella, who also shared our morals and disdain to the “gay scene”. At the same time the second guy (so our other friend) declares his attraction to this new guy and attempts to try something out with him. Things didn’t work out so my first friend moves in to build up from the failure of the second guy with the new guy (these references to people are beginning to sound annoying heh) and that’s when I notice his change in persona.

He spent a lot of time bitching about our other friend, to the new guy, trying to find some common ground to form a relationship from. He’d send me transcripts of their conversations, I don’t know why, but he just did it. Eventually I realise that he’s more interested in talking to this guy online than he is to me, since a number of times I remembered messaging him (on MSN) and only getting half-assed responses such as “yeah…ok…*paste previous conversation*”. I knew that he was attracted to him and that he wanted to form a relationship with this guy, yet I also felt kinda ‘hurt’ that I’d been discarded to the side in a way, and that he was more interested in talking to me about him and what their latest topic of discussion was, rather than us having our usual conversations. I knew at the time that they were not a good ‘match’ since I was also talking to this guy online, meeting him in real life etc, and I figured that I wouldn’t have gotten along with him in a relationship; so by extension neither would have my friend (I was eventually proved right).

Some time goes by and the two of them are in a relationship and that’s when it’s more than clear to me that my friend has changed. He didn’t change in any major ways (such as going from quiet to loud for instance), but it was the subtle things that he did that got to me. The only word I can use to summarise his change in persona is “bitchy”. I don’t want to get into the details of what he did exactly, but it’s not nice to try to make your best friends jealous because you have a boyfriend, or to forget about your friends and only talk to them to say something spiteful or something that you know will get a reaction out of them. Eventually their relationship ended and I noticed that he was slowly changing back into his old self, and who was there to listen to him? Good old me. That’s right, you’ll always have your friends there when any relationship is over, but only if you treated them right throughout it. Shortly after their break up, I told myself that I wouldn’t even allow myself to become close to him, as a friend, again, so I slowly distanced myself from him.

I actually approached him about this all after their break up. I met with him in the city and I told him how I noticed that he changed and such, yet he denied it all. In fact he kept on changing the topic and acted like there wasn’t an issue. So there you have it. I figured I’d make an attempt to salvage what was left of our friendship but he just denied it all and changed the topic, so I decided from then on that I just can’t be friends with him anymore.

What got to me most was: if he’s the best I can do in finding a friend who also happens to be gay, then what ‘hope’ do I have in finding another friend or meeting a potential partner? Knowing how much garbage there is in the “gay community”, and knowing just how hard it is to sift through it all, to find the ones that matter, why couldn’t I have just been straight?

I hate having those thoughts, but there it was. I had someone whom I considered a ‘best friend’, someone whom I could confide to in ways that I’d never thought I would to another person, someone whom I got along with just great and because of some guy, he turns around and shows himself to be an ugly person. One thing that I learnt from the experience is no matter how well you think you know someone (so 5 years for us), there’s still the possibility that they’ll turn around and show how ugly they are on the inside. And the feeling of disappointment is too much to handle when you live in such a (gay) world as this one, where the likes of promiscuity are idolised, monogomous relationships are looked down on and superficiality is rampant.

That’s my rant for the day and I can’t be bothered doing a spell check.

When you were young…

Gee, it’s already been over a week since new years (when I started this blog) and I’ve already let my blog go :\ But here I am now heh..and here’s to keeping it ‘alive’ more so than my first one.

If you’re a fan of the band “The Killers” you’ll recognise the title of this post comes from one of their songs 🙂 What I’m relating it to is: when you were young (ok it’s starting to sound lame heh), and by young I mean within the age bracket 8-14 (or around there), did you ever look up to people who were older than you (so say 18+) and at the time seemed to be leading such interesting lives? Did you ever think to yourself: “Wow, I can’t wait to reach that age, I’d have accomplished all sorts of things and be leading the crazy busy life that these people are” ? Did you think along those lines? Where you thought that you’d reach a certain age, be independent, have your own car, a partner, group of close friends, a great job, or a job on the side whilst you pursue university studies, etc. ?

I know I did and back then, I knew that I wanted to ‘grow up’ very much since a part of me knew that I was far more mature than that of my peers. But the reality is, now that I’m at this age (23), I’m not even remotely close to any aspect of the vision I had as a kid. I won’t get into why this is so, but just something that’s been on my mind lately. The good news is that I’m beginning to change that 🙂

Hello me!

Thank you WordPress for the welcome and for this very nifty site you’ve got going here!

Now something about me…

I’m not sure what to say in this beginning post since the I’ve already covered the main points in my ‘About’ section, but I don’t want to leave this first, momentous, innocent post so bare!

To be honest, I’ve wanted to sign up to some sort of ‘blog site’ for quite some time now. I have always felt this need to write down my thoughts somewhere, and I had a small journal-book-thing for a while, but I didn’t use it as much as I had planned to, plus there was always the paranoid thought of “what if it’s stolen? What if it falls into the wrong hands?”. The thought of someone who knows me personally, to be reading a private journal of mine, makes me feel violated and angry. So to curtail any further paranoid thoughts, I decided to sign up to WordPress! I actually registered my first blog nearly 6 years ago on some other site (far out I can’t believe how that time has gone!) but wasn’t an active poster.

I’m still undecided as to how personal I’ll get with this blog since it is the internet, and there’ll very likely be some stray person (or persons) who comes across it and decides to read a few posts…but then again, it’s not as if I plan on making my true identity publicly known here. I don’t plan on sharing this blog with any of my friends (yet?), so if any stranger does happen to come across this blog and subscribes to it for whatever reason(s), I won’t mind. In any case, I’ll probably end up making a new (internet) friend! (Whilst on the topic of privacy, I haven’t investigated as to whether WordPress offers some sort of privacy filter, but even then I’m guessing that the administrators of the site will be able to read everything.)

Finally, I see it very fitting that I should have created this blog on the first day of this new year that is 2012! I’ve written up a new year’s resolution draft list sort of thing and the theme of it is ‘change’ (well duh!), and this start up blog is a small part of that impending change! To be honest, I’m actually excited with this whole blog thing, as well as starting the new year afresh!

Now off to bed and onwards 2012 🙂
Good Night!