I just don’t identify with a lot of the stuff young people (my age) do for ‘fun’ these days, or the way they think and such. I don’t know a single person in my life whom I can honestly relate to, whom I can have meaningful conversations with, whether intellectual topics or just life in general. The few people I consider my friends, well I’ve realised that the only reason why I hang out with them is because of our similar sense of humour that’s all we have going, and it’s something that I’m beginning to outgrow too. They have no future prospects, no goals for the future, just hyped up plans that are never realised. I’ve found myself feeling very ‘angry’ or ‘annoyed’ when I hang out with them sometimes, simply because I just don’t find the topic(s) of conversation to be even remotely interesting, actually on the contrary, I’ve found a lot of them to be pointless and immature.
Their idea of ‘fun’ is to get drunk, act like a child, and waddle around night clubs or pubs. One of them inserts subtle comments about my physical appearance every now and then, and I’m left thinking “Why did you just say that to me?”, why be so damn immature? Then there’s another one who makes it a point to say something snide to you, just to get at you, and I’ve called him up on it yet he always brushes it off as a ‘joke’. So does everyone else. Why don’t people have the face to say what’s on their mind? To be honest? Why resort to these high schoolish tactics? Why be such a bitch? I’m a decent guy, I never go out of my way to hurt someone, if you’re a decent friend to me, you’ll have a friend for life. Yet there’s not a single person I know that I see as a true friend and it’s somewhat sad. As much as I like to say that I don’t need other people, at the end of the day, it would be nice to know another person whom you can have proper conversations with, that don’t involve gossiping about other people, pokemon, or other meaningless crap. Someone who’ll accept you for who you are, and won’t try to seek out any physical or personal flaws. Someone whom you can go to a decent pub with, not get drunk, but instead enjoy each others company.
Sometimes I just don’t know what to do. Should I end these friendships? They’re only there for convenience, to feel better about themselves. I’ve been trying to make a major step forward in my life, and it feels like I’m about to lift my foot, but I can’t because I have all this ‘stuff’ holding me back and I’m hesitant to take that step. Not just these friends, but other stuff too that I need to sort out. I told myself that I’m gonna try to make new friends this year, try to meet like-minded people and see how that goes.
Even the ones I use to have meaningful conversations with have betrayed themselves and now make it a point to insert snide comments into our conversations. All I’m left with is a big “why?” I keep on wondering this; what is it that makes people change in such a way? I understand certain things in life can change you, but in the absence of such circumstances, what else is there? Why choose the ‘easy way out’? Why not value the friendship?
One thing I’ve told myself that I’m gonna do this year is call people out more on the crap they say. At least this way I can challenge some of the stuff they say and at least give them a reason as to why we shouldn’t associate anymore. Since I know that if I tried to explain to them how I really felt, they’d take it the wrong way, and certain aspects of my life are too entwined with them, so I don’t want any sort of blackmail or ‘reprisals’.
*sigh* I don’t know what else to say or think anymore, it’s late and I’m tired…I just wish I had someone whom I didn’t have to worry about turning into another perosn, or inserting a snide comment here and there or anything else that would make me lose my ‘hope in humanity’.